How do I overcome my androphobia (fear of men)?

When I was a kid, I was molested by two older males - my older cousin and the boy next door. I also never really related to my father. He made me do karate when I was a kid but I told him I dont want to do it but he got really angry and forced me to. I'm oversensitive and creative and have a smalll stature. I was also bullied a lot through out primary and highschool. I experience same- attraction but I thinik this is envy that has been ualized through puberty. I don't feel masculine on the inside. I wish I was the men that I am attracted to. I always feel inferior to other men and scared that I will be called out for being effeminate and rejected as gay and . There's nothing more that I would like than to have a close group of male friends but my interests are more like art and pop culture and religion a nd spirituality. I like soccer but I'm not really interested in watching it on tv and I would love to play but I'm not 100% sure on the rules and feel embarred because I am small built and not really athletic. I despise it when boys try and talk to me and I get really nervous cuz I'm scared they talk about cars or sports or whatever or just call me a fag. phobia from heterouals really triggers depression and anxiety in me. I try and use positive thinking and affirmations and they help but not completely. Please help